This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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