you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
