I will die if light touches me.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
