Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
