Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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