my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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