i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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