Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
