Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize