I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think my moral compass just broke
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
