You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
