Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
