Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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