shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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