I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
