Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
