Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
