saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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