I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
