I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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