mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize