he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
