When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
