I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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