I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
false alarm, still single
Randomize
