I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
