im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
