I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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