You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
