I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
