Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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