when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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