why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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