I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
