I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
BRING THE BAGELS
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
