but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
