i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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