Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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