yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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