Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
