All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize