i don't like sucking hair
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
