My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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