someone get that fucking seahorse.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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