You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
