Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
