I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
