My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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