I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I love you. Go after that dick
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
