Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
