Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize