It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
