I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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