I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
