she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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