please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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