I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
