i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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